i used to be great

i used to be good.
no, fuck it, i used to be great.




i go through phases with this thing. it's funny how life gets in the way. needed to slow down anyway.

good riddance to toxic friends and worthless words.

hello to new opportunities and new people.

i can't help but laugh. for all the good it does, anyway.

i forgot what it felt like

To feel a spark. To feel giddy about something.

What a spurt of fearlessness can lead to...



this was really one of the most surreal, pivotal days of my life.

on to the next

Going back to my old ways. I say old ways like it's been years, but really, just since June.

Semester number three back at school down. Am I a second semester junior yet or what? And now that I've changed my focus/minor it should be sooner that I'll be done with school than originally anticipated. Yay.

Tiniest friends and I are working on a big project.

Hm.

I find it very interesting that people in your life fluctuate in importance so frequently. Its like they're only important when they can offer you something and when that something (validation, ego, etc) is gone, it's onto the next. I think I knew that about you from the get, which is why I've never bothered much. Sorry.



School is nearly done for the semester. Stressed? Yup.

damn it

i need to get out and shoot some film.

Ugh.

Listening to songs I've never heard before, but I'm sure I know the lyrics. They're all stupid things I've said and felt in recent weeks.

God damn this indecision and tendency to over think.

Overreaction is all I'm good at anymore.

i just don't care anymore

I want to live by the water. I'd love to live somewhere that from a window of some cozy little bungalow I could see a lighthouse. I'd love to tuck my feet under a someone, or maybe I'd settle for a dog in order to read a book on a gray day. I'd love to press my face against cool glass and look out at the break and listen to sad music. I'd love to just go walk along the coastline as a means to talk to myself. My life is so full and lovely right now as it is, I can't imagine it being much better, but I know a few things would just push it over the edge.

I don't have the words to explain the connection I feel to places I've never been. The closest I can come is that I'm homesick for places I've never seen.

We're all just trying to make it, I guess.

i would have loved you forever

Oh my friend loneliness, where have you been?
You left to the lure of the lover who left me alone
But now you come crawling back, and I'll let you in
And we'll slip back into grooves that we cut in ourselves long ago

But there must be a better half, somewhere out there
She lives a better life, a life that shares
Shares with a better man
The man who is there when she calls in the night
Who says "Hey, it's alright"

And oh my dear distance, I've met you before
Longing for a lover who's lost on a far distant shore
And oh my imperfections, are all that remain
And the days when I'd love you and I'd leave you, and you'd wish that I would stay

There must be a better half, somewhere out there
She lives a better life, a life that shares
Shares with a better man
The man who is there when she calls in the night
Who says "Hey, it's alright"

I know what she looks like, her face and skin, her smell and the rest
I know the feel of her soul, but God help me I just cannot find her address
I've how I've tried but now all that's left
Is my old friend distance and sweet loneliness

There must be a better half, somewhere out there
She lives a better life, a life that shares
Shares with a better man
The man who is there when she calls in the night
Who says "Hey, it's alright"
"Hey, it's alright"
"Hey, it's alright"

This week

I am not cut out to be a model (haha, the fact that I'm 5'1" cue you to that?)
I am running myself ragged. The next few weeks I really need to focus on school and nothing but. I am behind in many classes. Damn it.
Frank Turner has some legit tunes. And he's rather attractive, haha.
I am going to a fashion show tonight, and hopefully I'll be the best dressed bitch there. Either going in a silk shift dress or in a skirt.

Anyway.

one two three four who's punk, what's the score?

you want to win me over? don't bother with flowers and chocolate. well, the chocolate is fine, but designer perfume and hand crafted, super soft leather handbags are really the way to my materialistic little heart.

but really, don't buy me flowers, buy me dior, jacobs or kors, please.

i should i should i should

i should care
i should be mad
i should be unforgiving
i should be a lot of things.




braver, quicker, smarter.

frank turner and chuck ragan on wednesday in a different area code.

moving on from past crimes and hoping i don't make the same mistake twice. or for the forth time.

ugh.

Yeah, princess, who wants to be who now?


I registered for classes today, I need to take care of some major bullshit though. I forgot when I applied for my minor to do my concentration at the same time so I have a hold on my foundations and philosophy of secondary education class.

Life and times

Don't tread on me.

The last week has been interesting. Snowed in and without human interaction for 48 hours made me a crazy person. I finally ventured out of the house to Leelas for beer (coffee for them), chess and conversation. Friday I worked, went on a date. Saturday I ran errands, ate lunch with Kyle, hunted for a man thong and failed and attended mattbush's halloween/housewarming party. After that we went to the blastomat for a cover band halloween. Black Flag sing-a-longs and Cro Mags covers. And I wore a romper and tights, Jay Z video girl status.

Afterwards Ashley, Rachel, R'sDF and I crashed a few parties in a hunt for the sociopath in order to make her night super awkward and difficult.

i can't tell

"I can't tell if you wanna punch me or if you wanna dance..."

Consumerist needs:
-doc martin boots (preferably a random color)
-cowboy boots
-more sweater knit tights
-high waisted above the knee pencil skirt
-another dress or two
-leg warmers

nothing more

the 5'1" and under crew.

initiatives.

Education and Technology
Exploring Folklore
Colonial and Revolutionary US History
Stupid Kid Math
Foundations, Philosophy in Secondary Education.

Not so very ambitious or anything like that.

jesus.

What. A. Trainwreck.

I hope I'm never like that. I'm four years older so I know that won't happen, but still. And you kind of have to wonder what that mentality is, that keeps these people from understanding that no one takes them seriously.

These two girls try their hardest, get put down constantly (and kind of rightly so, though I think my friends are exceedingly harsh) and seem to be completely oblivious to the fact that they are complete nut jobs.

Also, I don't like Hayley Williams from Paramore, and she and her boyfriend should really find a better hardcore band to jock than Trapped Under Ice. Really?

all time highs and lows

Considering I've been sick and have been out of the house twice since Wednesday, there's been nothing to update about, except that I'm sick and cranky.

Dumb girls still try too hard.

ugh

Most bittersweet.
I exist, but in the grand scheme of things, what does that mean?

I've been in bed all day.
I kind of want to fling myself off a building I am so bored. I wish my temperature would go down so I could at least go rent a few movies.

heh

The show was fun. Glad I got to see friends on tour.

I now have a fever of 100.
Took a midterm, and will not be taking the one tomorrow bc I am dying.

Stacked.

Ruiner, Crime In Stereo, Foundation, Polar Bear Club, Bane, Strike Anywhere.
Fourteen bucks.
Best fourteen bucks of the fall.






The Inuit of the Arctic, known as edge people for surviving and persevering on the edge of starvation for thousands of years suffer from a unique, Arctic specific mental illness. Pibloqtoq, or Arctic Hysteria manifests itself in the subject falling into a depressed and anxious state for several days, before fleeing shelter, removing all clothing and attempting to drown themselves or throw themselves off a tall ice floe. Those afflicted with the illness rarely succeed, as their families retrieve them some time after their "escape." This condition is brought about by the breaking of taboo, by killing a sea animal with a land weapon or a land animal with a sea weapon.

oh ouch.

I watched two movies tonight that made me cry my eyes out. I haven't cried like this in months. It feels good. It's good to know I still feel, but in the midst of everything I retain myself and don't slip beneath.

No more lost boys. I can't save anyone else.





And cancer can suck it.

celebration

Let’s roll our sleeves and taunt our defeat.
Something to battle, and sink in our teeth.
When victory is yours, you will feel the heat.
Like that last night in August, when we ditched the party.
Water won’t work on nights like this.
We need celebration liquids. Sweat, and wine, and toxic fluids.
Water won’t work on nights like this.

Good shows, good friends, good nights, good times, great life.

It's nice to say that at this point in my life, even when I'm low, everything happening for me, to me and around me is better than ever.

bodies of water

we were kids on that sylvan street where you lived. there were fears, but they were never ours for those years. like your grandpa's car broken down by your front door stairs, we were never meant to move, life could never touch us there. do your hands shake when you think of the ways we lived? does your heart ache just to turn back the pages again? back to dan and jose teasing us in your basement chairs, back to braeburn days and the way best friends were better there. nothing gold ever cared. and i know we said we'd never change, in our back yard world we knew we'd stay the same. but those times were fleeting like the summer days. we were bodies of water, destined to flow our separate ways. we let it slip away/ we didn't earn these smiles and we didn't earn life's easier miles. but we were the best friends the world had seen for a while.

flickr.

hahahahaha

Just read the funniest sentence ever in the fashion blog hard liquor, soft holes (which i would link but i'm lazy, search it) "things i would wear if i didn't think transgenedered people were so gross" seriously laughed out loud and choked on my sodapop.



This is a "things I hate" post
1. midterms
2. asshole cuban professors
3. swine flu
4. acrylic nails
5. expensive tastes
6. the phrase "break the seal" especially when used by any one over the age of 20 and outside of a frat house setting
7. this 30 year old woman who is a fucking fanatic about american idol
8. the fact that i'm a girl and can't (or it is harder to) go on tour due to my having a vag. oops.
9. humidity
10. socks
11. the focus
12. the fact that i cannot find full eps from the rachel zoe project online
13. awful extensions, sweet baby jesus, who told you that looked good
14. shit talking nitwits
15. stupid people
16. vegan cheese
17. that i might end up in utah (wah)
18. doesn't know i exist (wah)
19. that i'm not a better/more dedicated writer
20. that i gave up playing guitar (wah)
21. le ole sk and it's fucking lack of data service
22. finickiness/fickleness
23. disappointment, shitty friends, not being surprised
24. new found glory touring with dashboard. wat?
25. indecisiveness with hair. shave head? grow to zooey d length? highlights? ginger? so many choices

I'm only going to say this once...

Fuck you, I'm never coming back.



I am iron willed.







I feel so much better in the doing so.

i'm never coming back

For a minute there I almost believed you
And I wanted to forgive you for everything you've done
And I could feel safe but miserable
In a familiar world of lies and misinformation
But then I remembered that everything you've ever said
and everything you've ever done
add up to more wrongs,
than could ever make a right
So don't try to talk to me
'cause a thousand Fuck You's would never be enough
So I'm only gonna say this once
Fuck You I'm never coming back

Hm.

If you're not yet, follow Andrea'sPeace Corps Blog.

This time tomorrow I will be in flight, somewhere over the great plains.
I always get apprehensive before traveling, anxious, excited.

The list.

Brown
University of Chicago
University of Denver
University of Mass Boston
New York University
University of Oregon
University of Utah (yeah, really)
University of Washington

summer is a state of mind

I left the window open. Sweatpants, long sleeve and ruiner hoodie with the hood up. Three blankets. Listening to Explosions in The Sky. Someone nearby has a fire going (hopefully in their fireplace), as I can smell the wood smoke and it makes me homesick (or is it timesick) for past falls.

I am not sure why, as they haven't been that great (with the exception of last year) as a whole. The decline. Before that, the separation. Before that debt that haunts me even now. I could go on.



I don't know.

Maybe I never have.

school

Applied for minor in Anthropology. Need to take three field schools and on top of that, for fun, taking World Prehistory, Exploring Folklore, Mummies of the World, Primate Studies and the Neanderthal Enigma.

Appointments made to talk to faculty members at NYU. Guide of Anthro Dept's and their expertise on reserve for me at the Library. Dr Kent in speed dial.

Welp. I never take the easy road, and apparently my education is no exception.



Adding to my list of potential schools:
Penn State, Boston College, University of Maryland.

High Fidelity

I feel like Rob Gordon in High Fidelity. Sitting at his kitchen table, white pages open, pouring through the millions of citizens of Chicago. "She's in the fucking phonebook!" is what he exclaims.

"He's on fucking myspace!" Is what I say and I wasn't even LOOKING for him. It was literally, oh, this is interesting, click, oh these photos are cool, click, oh, that kid is familiar, click, HOLY SHIT.

In the end, it took me a dictionary
To find out the meaning of unrequited

fucking ouch

my ribs are bruised to shit, i have a hand(ish) shaped bruise on my right arm, and a big gash (what!) on my elbow. i bruised the shit out of my big toe and am a little shaky from all the adrenaline going last night.

pooped pooped pooped.

i love that band.
i love my friends

to ease that wandering heart

I've traveled more in the last eight months than I have in ages and I'm still feeling restless. I've been places I've never been and done shit that I didn't think I'd do and it's still not enough.

I am going to New York for a brief weekend the first of October.

Going to try and talk some fools into taking me on their west coast tour over Christmas break. I can sling some merch, are you kidding me? I've worked in retail for FOREVER, I can sell a blind man a television with no sound.

My alarm about stopped my heart this AM. I need to figure out a better way to wake up, like one of those "zen" awakening machines that uses a gong noise over ten minutes or something.

Fuck me, I'm tired.

I want some people to come visit and hang out and party hard. Awe.

get out of my headddddddd.

Yeah, well...

More proof I was born in the wrong decade...

My favorite movies are all 80's action adventure and teen comedies.
A bunch of my favorite bands all broke up by '92.
The 80's "prep" look is most appealing to me out of everything else since then.


Recently acquired:
-adventures in babysitting
-girls just wanna have fun

needed:
-tank girl
-romancing the stone
-3 ninjas
-ninja turtles
-cry baby
-pretty in pink/breakfast club/saint elmo's fire
-karate kid


Still listening to Phoenix as if I get paid for it.
Going to NY at the end of the month to check out grad schools.
Unholy crushing on someone I've hung out with twice.

PAST CRIMES 1

Today, of all days, I just watch the flickering light on the SK. Its regular illumination another illumination of how it comes and goes, and I wish you would just go. I am told it takes the average person seven minutes to fall asleep, two hours later, I’m wishing I’m average for not the first time in my life. The quarter full prescription can be seen out of the corner of my eye over the curved horizon of my pillow. It’s been weeks since.

No one ever really forgives and no one ever really forgets. My transgressions were written against me long before we even met. Your mistrust and your walls were mortared by women who only deigned to love you. Your name burned in my ears, your eyes branded on the lids of mine so that even in sleep I can’t escape. I came to the realization that much of it was my fault. Demonizing does no good, when you roll over and open your eyes and awake to a day of guilt and the intense recognition that you were both fucked up. An awakening so severe that it physically burned within my chest. We can never go back.

autumn

a four bedroom house, known as the real deal house, or real deal mansion.
hardwood floors, polariods upon entry, dinner parties, photo shoots, records and other ridiculous lifestyle choices.

drop bar, vintage raleigh.

gray/gray chrome bag, black buckle. big kid sized.

helmut lang asym, zip, starwars hooded jacket, modified kanga pocket

gap straight leg jeans (x4, 3 washes)

black black vans

cowboy boots

calvin klein dress(es)

michael kors parfume

levis that fit like my old 631's

suspenders

torc bracelets

ribbons of all colors

black, long sleeved DENCO tee

rugby shirts (3)

a CIS hoodie that fits in the torso like my ...isdead one but is longer and has longer sleeves.

more grandpa cardigans

paper boy pants

oversized mens work shirts

burberry, or burberry knock off 'stud' cuff watch, in silver or onyx

no more lost boys

There is no such thing as a second chance, but I guess we both lived our regret to the fullest. I ate mine – swallowed it whole for three months, wallowed in the shit of my own creation and now I pulled myself from the mire. I turned it all into and inside of me, and you? Now you’re regurgitating and moving backwards. It’s taken a year and some change, but I finally see clearly. A drug. Never abuse, but never far from, I guess. No making excuses ever again. No more excuses of bending backwards for the sweet self loathing that comes with someone like you.

I am thinking about disposability – replacement – compensating. To what degree do all those things change the course of my actions? Theirs? I can dispose. I’d rather not. I’d rather not compensate either. Or compare. That, at least, humans can’t help.

---

in other news, i am allergic to everything, i argued with my professor and he's still an idiot, i am restless, and want to move, not just into to denver, i'd kind of like to transcend state lines and start as a brand new person.

we're no good at this...

I wonder if I will ever be able to listen to this song without it doing to me what it does.

You're no good for me
My formulated drug an acquired taste
awaits to sate this unrequited love
It tastes so gray, yet necessary to sustain frustration
Take just enough to get you fucked up
Not so much that it drives you away

A constant escape
The magnificent restraint that it takes to stay away
I've no control at all
I constantly dream
The memories invade the things I keep with me
I'm getting high on the roof of the world

You're no good for me

(You're no good for me) You are the bent and blackened spoon.
You are the butane. You are the bedroom.
(You're no good for me) You are the improbable excuse
for the horrible things that I do.

You're no good for me, but I guess not bad enough.
And on quiet nights I come to find you crawling through my kick drum
Hell bent on deliverance of all the privileges
of being with you, Heaven sent I crane my neck
To watch you desperately march down my chest, enjoying every step.
Emphasized by distances we never intended.
You come crawling back through my regrets to remind me what you said...
"We're no good at this."

what is it

I am not certain what it is about this week of the year. I am always bed-ridden sick. Or hospital bound.

My freshman year of college (six years ago, yeesh) I went to the CSU/CU game at mile high, got a terrible migraine, threw up until I threw up blood and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. They didn't believe me that I hadn't been drinking (I didn't, at all, at the time) and so it took that much longer for them to figure out I didn't need to go to detox, I was actually ill with something!

My junior year of college I got strep so bad this first weekend of September that I lost my voice, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't even make the phone call to say I couldn't go to work.

The fall that I moved back to Denver (the very next fall) I had the flu so severely that I had to have an IV because I was so dehydrated from my fever.

Last fall I had a fever of 100-102 for five days straight, couldn't stay awake, couldn't move off the couch, could barely eat, barely drink.

And this year? This fireworks display of epic vomiting and pooping.

Its always the same week/weekend. FUCK MY LIFE.

YEAH.

This blows my mind on so many levels. Seeing this band at Sox Place to maybe 35 kids with Set it Straight a couple summers ago, to THIS? Hardly a band working that deserves this as much as they do. Click Here for the Article

doing what i can

to be in denver proper within the next forty-five days. high price to pay for independence, i suppose.

fuuuuuck

I shouted to the rooftops. It wasn't a word, more of some fucking wounded animal sound, I suppose. "What?" They all asked. "What was that about?"

"That's about my history of being manipulated and fooled. My lifetime of pity-worthy choices. Escapades that are less fun and more tragic with each passing day."






Being sick can fuck right off.

24 year memoir. So many mistakes.

...no way

So this situational stupidity is getting to me. My friend is dating this girl who's an idiot and who definitely went out of her way to make my life hard in high school (yes yes, ancient history, move on, blah blah blah) and she apparently gave him the ultimatum of "stop talking to Jordan or we break up."

Coooooool.

Also, I got craigslist missed-connections. "Purple plaid on the H line, getting off at colfax" sup? Hahaha. Not sure whether I'm going to reply or not. Creep to the max.


Also also, I have found the joint of my dreams to lay my head at night. I want three months rent in savings for just in case, so I need another 12ish hundo.


Happiest days this fall:
September 19th
October 13th
November 3rd

pick up your feet and just get the hell out of town

What can be said about Sunday?

I think some of it can be summed up in Alysha's tweets...

""I would eat bobby flay's meatballs." "alysha ann! This is a christian car!!" What's for lunch?"

""Oh look at him, we can ride him" "you can't even see his face!" "Doesn't mean he can't give us a ride""

""Jesus christ alysha is going to be tap dancing in the car!!!""

""I am not taking you to the hospital if you take too many of those""


Crooked Ways played really well. Cruel Hand killed it. One of the wildest sets crowd wise I've seen at a DIY show in a while. Foundation was late but played a great set. Haters to the left, please and thank you. Have Heart was great too. Just not the same not seeing them at Sox Place.

Like an idiot I left the lights on in the Jeep and so the battery was dead. Hardcore Heart Throbs attempted to roll start, success was not had. Tomas of Foundation drove it after a UNM staffer got it started for me and slammed on the brakes and I bonked my head on the dashboard pretty good. Alysha and Pat nearly died in the back.

Frontier green chile is delicious.

I am home and exhausted and didn't take any pictures.

hm

Right at the moment I think I might be ready, some knowledge is dropped and though it was something I had moved beyond, suddenly I feel as though it's weighing me down and I'm right back where I started.



"If I could do so without the mountain of self loathing that comes after it, I would."

travels

In place of going to Boston, I am going to New York (expenses paid) to check out grad schools. The fact that this was even offered is huge! A huge statement about their investment in my education, one that I'm not fucking up this time around.

I have quashed the bad decision making. I have an iron will.

I like the direction this seasons fashion is going. Granted, if I would have paid better attention during Fashion Week I would have seen this ages ago, but I was wallowing in break up cake. But not really wallowing, and I didn't get any break up cake this go around. (Way to drop the ball, animal).

I can't stop listening to this Make Do and Mend EP. Sounds so great on vinyl. (Pet peeve, calling it "a vinyl.") You know...

"Oh, I got a couple vinyls today..."
"a couple vinyl whats?"
"oh, vinyl albums"
"oh, you mean records. albums ON vinyl."
"yeah, vinyls"
"yeah. no. you're an idiot."

I am loving the Helmut Lang F/W09 collection, especially all their asymmetrical jackets. I love off center/asym zip anything, especially with big swoopy hoods and collars. Gray and black please! (That's all I've been buying, I think I'm going through a mopey artist phase).

Anyway. Progression. Doing it.

...

distance poor decisions are still poor decisions
and i am still making plenty of them.


so ready for fall.



oh yeah.
you're stupid. incredibly, incredibly stupid. that's gotta suck.

it must be most painful

To be THAT stupid. It literally blows my mind. I hate to fall into this old, tired cliche, but men don't want smart and independent women. Especially as smart and independent as I am.

Oh well, that's why I'm just keeping the pretty ones around for sex.


Or I would be if I was a slut and thereby having sex.

(And truthfully, I wish I was.)

I'm most of the way through my part of the retrospective. I have some revising to do. I am also working on a mental thesis on economics, culture and food and how they all relate to one another. I'm sure its not the most groundbreaking of ideas, but its nice to know that it's mine.

When I get home from school, before going to work, I am going to make a breakfast burrito. Delish.

well well well

School is a lot. Between that and work, I've been living 19 hour days.

2 perfect closes in a row, both til after midnight.

Friday I went to a fashion and art show with Rachel


Saturday night Rachel and I crashed a party, hated it, left and met Alexis and Kiley at their neighborhood bar.


Poor text message decisions ensued. Le sorries extended.

good views. bad news.

i like this one a lot for some reason

The Fall

"I wanted someone with nothing to gain from my demise..."

Living and dying in Denver.
I've been contemplating since Sunday how to recap the last 80 or so hours in a way that would adequately explain how it felt and what it meant.

I woke up Thursday AM at 6 in order to be to work by 8. A full shift, til four, and immediately following I went home, showered and packed. Picked up Rachel and met Alexis at Lime for booze and food. A brief (hour) nap at Rachel's and I left to meet the CW guys to drive to SLC. We departed Denver at 3am, me in the road warrior, they in their vanna white. Around Rock Springs (nearly six hours in...) I just couldn't do it anymore and got some help with driving so I could nap (an hour).

Do not pass go, do not collect $200, we went to the pie straight away. Needed directions from Tony, which got us there in a timely manner. Mark, Robby, Zach and I attempted to eat the 23" cheese pizza. So much cheese. Basically all I digested all weekend was coffee and cheese. We didn't finish it. Sad. We waited around the university for Matt of Reviver, and in that time frame I got a new nickname, PJ which I won't get into here.

Hit up a few shopping spots. Gateway and stopped by their Urban. After that some of us ate at Vertical where we met Connor, his lady friend Linda, Sias, Mike (?) and Fernando. I ate a delicious vegan breakfast burrito. Zach, Robby and baby PR left for the show and I hung out at vertical a while longer before heading to taylorsville. House shows are super fun. Make Do and Mend is such a great band. Crooked Ways played a good set, though baby PR needs to learn 2017.

After the show, shot the shit with MD&M and then went with members of Reviver to a village inn so i could have a waffle. Thanks guyssss.

After THAT I fully intended to drive to Idaho Falls that night. At this point I'd been awake nearly 48 hours with 2 hour long cat naps. Before I left town though, I stopped by wherever C was in Sugarhouse to say bye, at which point I was told I was not driving anywhere, bc I hadn't slept and there were "deers" (say with a mexican accent). So instead I accompanied some new friends to a coffee shop and shot the shit for a little over an hour before going back to the house and GRACIOUSLY being given a place to sleep. Nicest dudes ever, seriously. I appreciate what they did for me so much.

Left at 8 after five hours of sleep to go to IF, hauled ass. Ate food. Took a nap. Saw my bestie best best. Met Eazy's child, Emily.

A full night of sleep and I left on Sunday after breakfast. Long drive. In Fort Collins, stopped to poop and ran into Andrea at Mugs. Best part, neither of us live in Fort Collins anymore!

I am glad to be home. I wish I were a dude so I could go on tour.


We drove through the night
and saw the sun come up behind us
a fast moving dream carried
by a slower machine
melodies punctuated by "what if's"
and petty, small, small regrets
we confessed smaller sins, left them
by the roadside
I thought we had more time...

prepare yourself

long entry with photos coming. :)

call it a hunch

that i'm going to be bruised, sunburned, exhausted, and amped after this weekend.

no punching dumb girls though. just say no! a criminal record in another state is not on my list of things to do.

"fuuck, i hate him, throw a brick at him"
"Jordan, I'm not trying to add hate crime to my list of accomplishments..."
"we don't hate him because he's gay, or, 'scuse me, queer, we hate him because he sucks"

stash

found this on a disk from last year. crime in stereo lyrics obv credited to crime in stereo.

Who exactly do you think you are? Seriously? Why do you think I'd keep you in that capacity at all? Do you feel entitled to it? Because that's the vibe I got from our conversation. You're not entitled to shit. You're barely entitled to me being civil and keeping the peace. Just thinking about it is absolutely infuriating. Of course I did. What else would I do? Throw myself a year long pity party? Live my life in little spaced breaths? Keep myself up at night? Beat myself up over things I didn't do? I am not broken. These people cannot.
these are the years that scatter the young into doctors and drunks.
And what is it that you chose? What is it that you have? A half a life of never making ends meet? A full life of never keeping a job? A day to day existence of justifying, not to me, but to yourself why you're better off?
Isn't that embarrassing? To have everyone know all the things you think, but not the courage to speak them.
Isn't it funny? I am smarter than you probably think I am. I know what those words meant. And that comment? I'm not some bitch to be kept tethered on a leash by your meaningless words.
Next time dig your own grave with the things that you say...
I threw myself down in one last attempt. What a fool I was. My dreams speak volumes, and I knew then, as I know now, what was to be, had to be, and is. There is no contempt. Only a little regret. But no regret for me, only regret for you. Oh, we're all just wasting our days and our time pretending like we knew what we were looking for all along. Even know, in the midst of it all, I am not certain. And maybe I never will be. Maybe Mother was right.
We won’t appreciate these days until they’re all gone. We never recognize what’s right.
Maybe Mother was right.
Heaven sent I crane my neck, to watch you desperately march down my chest, enjoying every step.
It's sweet. It's all I know.
...hide deceitfully inside my skin
I am restless. Those were my words.
...right to an unmarked grave...
At the end of the day, the beating of our hearts will sound like war.
"There is no fear in this heart."

...

how do you pick up the threads of an old life?





i cut off my hair

fuck me

"don't go where i can't follow..."







i am falling back into old habits, and back into old arms. thats what happens when i'm broken beyond repair. yeah, emo. fuck off.

the odds

"what are the odds?"

the odds are i hope you get aids you shit talking motherfucker.




cannot wait for next weekend.
hope to see several people.
looking forward to finally meeting peep (aka my adopted niece)
and really, really hoping that someone makes it around the joint.

via http://laissezfairedesign.blogspot.com/

Singapore Lights Timelapse from Weehan Yeo on Vimeo.

WHAT A SNATCH.

i am excited for next weekend. and the last weekend in august. and september. and october. and november.

some pretty epic mini-road trips, as well as awesome shows to look forward to. i feel like i'm coming back to life again. thinking about where i was last year and where i am now. at least i can thank _____ for some of that, though for little else as of late.

i woke up with an ulcer today which sucks. no booze or spicy food for me until it heals. already started medication for it. so glad my doctor just sent me home with a bunch of samples ages ago, haha).

also, like last year, i realized that deciding to wash my hands of a situation makes all the difference in the world. one step up.

i'm picking up a regular freelance position with an online news source. just need to situate the money.

this is a very all over the place post.

this summer feels like the best ones of years past.

yup

dont talk to me til you've watched this video. ty, matt and josh are fantastic people and fantastic musicians. it blows my mind that they have this quality of video but they absolutely deserve it

1000

get out of my head



i am western minded.

no words

My keyboard is still sticking so I'm not going to type much about my weekend.

At my house: Tanner, Eddy, Connor, Fernando, Isaiah, Petey, Julian, Travis. Two from IF and area currently, the rest from SLC and area.

They tried to talk me into moving to Salt Lake. I will settle for a road trip next weekend for a show.

...

I just picked a huge scab.

I have a lot of things to say about the last 36 hours, but I'm going to hold onto them and try and figure out the most coherent and adult way to say it.

quailman

1. I feel like shit.
2. My hair is much shorter than anticipated
3. Tanner & Co are passed out all over my house.
4. May have four other people here by 10, also sleeping and eating my food.
5. Apparently Jewish goodbyes are very similar to hardcore goodbyes.
6. I need to go back to sleep for a minute. Too old to operate/party like this anymore.

this week

has been very productive. did a bunch of coding for the Crooked Ways Myspace, as well as throwing together some impromptu graphics. i work a bunch this week, and am waitressing a private party for 80 bucks (for three hours of work) and am house sitting from friday to saturday for a family and from stunday to tuesday for another family. GOING STRAIGHT INTO MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT.

house shows are super fun and i am glad way more of them are happening here.

ready resist (the girl fronted band from Saturday) is still awesome, and covered panic again. strength in solitude is such a great song.

picked up a naysayer 7". 10 years and it still means as much as it did the first day.

Being crushed

A summary:

Saturday I went to the Crooked Ways record release with Kristen and Rachel. We laughed a lot. Talking about oreos growing into skin folds, the homo-eroticism at the show, and making cracks at everyone, it was one of the better nights I've had. My joke was made, but no credit was given (PLAGIARISM) and The Golden Age is so good. I love girl fronted bands. Especially girl fronted bands that play Panic covers. After the show we stopped at a corner store on Sheridan near Lakeside at got ice cream sammiches and jammed the fuck out on them. Also, we played Broadway Calls driving back and they're Rachel's new favorite band. They should be everyone's favorite band.

Getting home, I dumped a ton of soda on my stupid computer. It still works! The keyboard sticks when I type, however, so that sucks.

Sunday I got up early and went for a fifteen mile bike ride with my wife and my dad. Andrea talked my ear off (per usual) but it was a good ride. I jammed the shit out of the last hill, and my legs are still feeling it. It's easily a mile of a 7% grade. To do a 14er I'm going to just have to ride up and down that stupid thing from now until September.

I did laundry, hemmed some pants, read my new books, ate some food and took a nap before picking up Alysha for the show. I had a pocket PBR tall boy (or a chrome bag one, haha). Didn't catch much of full circle, but shot the shit with some good dudes about a dude in absentia. Downpresser was way good. Foundation was way good. Mother of Mercy really impressed me after my lack of impressed-ness at UB09, and The Title Fight was just fun. During TF an unnamed member of one of the aforementioned bands felt the need to protect me, which I found laugh worthy. While everyone was kicking it in the yard after the show, he joined out conversation about dreadlocks, Benji, spiders, TAKING THA SCENE BACK, the humpday hijacking, et cetera. The other guys I met that night were super nice. I remember now why I got into this. The fun, the relative camaraderie, the ringing ears...

Between bands I walked to 7-11 (pbr tall boy open and in tow, haha) with an old boyfriend and cemented a peace of sorts. It was nice to just talk like we used to. Afterwards a group of us went to the "Lenny's" and hung out and ate, just like the bad old days. It was like living in a memory of how things used to be, when the home away from home was addressed 2017.

And I have a great idea for a tattoo.

erratic

My heart is freaking out again. My keyboard is sticky thanks to my stupid little escapade last night. I need a nap. And a hug.

if you're going to come after me...

It's goin' down. Yo the girl got a gun,
best run. Because she's quick to flip and empty out the clip,
and make a man understand where she's comin' from.
The hardcore's connected to the base of her fate.
She just breaks and bring drama to the situation,
ejaculation of my projectile, she's buck wild.
Better recognize when she comes she comes correct.
Collects respect and if not, you catch a broken neck.
Buddy look down and your shirts all bloody,
looks like she caught you with a bad one for messin with da mad one.
Told you bout this girl before, you didn't listen to me.
As I talk, now you're stalked by the hunter of the fronter,
who's size five and sexy.
Quick, they catch your body and another one next week.
Huh it doesn't matter cuz the girl stays strapped
she says she had enough of men and now she's lookin for payback.
And there's no way you can fade her son.
She walks softly but she carries a big gun.

Chorus: She walks softly but she carries a big gun.
She walks softly but she carries a big gun.
And there's no way that you can fade her son.
She walks softly but she carries a big gun.

The most venemous feminist, homie, she ain't soft.
You give her trouble then she might cut your head off.
Or something that you like to think's the best:
she'll blow big holes in your chest.
She says she gotta cuz she says a lotta ladies won't
She says she gotta cuz she knows a lotta ladies
romance the thoughts of giving men their own medicine.
Electrocute 'em light 'em up like Con Edison,
she got no fear five rings in their ear,
holes in their nose, way-out clothes.
Living life to the fullest buck shot and bullets.
Triggers she'll pull it, Earth she wanna rule it.
Maybe she will cuz she's quick to kill.
The city lights make her dresses tight, yes she bites.
You never know where she'll come from.
She walks softly but she carries a big gun

You got no time to trip or argue, you're through.
I'll bet she gets ya. Homeboy you'll catch a stretcher like so many before.
She's on a bodycount tour. But not rock, she's puttin sucker punks in cops.
You say she's nothin but a woman then you come up shot.
You say "Why you wanna kill me?" and she says "why not?"
Pop she got a body that'll make you cry.
Pop she got a shotty that'll make you die.
Don't bring drama to her homie, cuz you'll wind up flat.
She'll put your ass horizontal then she'll peel your cap.
She got no lovin', love is something that she never had.
She loved her mother but she hate her motherfucking dad.
So stay the hell out her way, cuz the girl don't play,
NONE.
She walks softly but she carries a big gun.
So don't even try to play her, son.
She walks softly but she carries a big gun.
So don't even try to front, son.
She walks softly but she carries a big gun.

hm

recent acquisitions: romper, flats, ghetto hoops, bracelets, basics (for my greaser look), tights, sweater vest. desired items include: straights, star wars hoodie, leather motorcycle jacket, cowboy boots.

maybe someday i'll develop a cohesive look for a season. this year i want it to be a lot of scarves, warm colors, cardigans, hats. i want to look very collegiate on campus this fall.

missed connections cracks me up.

it's cute that you think you're even on my radar. you're not at all, unless someone brings you up. you lurk the SHIT out of me though, obviously, so you're insecure about something.

and if you think this is about you, you're probably right.

sugar glass

i just can't

picnic tables

"Fuck that, we'll turn that picnic table over and float down Colfax using that pole like we're riding a gondola in Italy!"

I have the best/most random nights.

I am scraped the FUCK UP from my little adventure. My wanderlust and poor choice of footwear are to blame. I did scrape the shit out of my knee and hand on rocks, almost fell into a cavernous ravine, stepped in smelly swamp water, nearly got bit by a snake... (I could go on...) and it was totally worth it!

Ashley and I went to the Larimer Lounge to see TROUT (and the entire time I yelled: THAT'S MY LAST NAME like an asshole) and Adam was in that band and haven't seen him in fourish years. They were awesome head-bangy post rock. Nearly died in a flood, played Jenga, hung out.

HOLLAAAA.

So, we're at seven now. Seven. Playing the game. Let them come and go, this is the summer of giving no fucks.

WANT

The Braggart

Thus does the Celtic warrior in his battle fury stand out larger than life, a swaggering braggart, his hand twitching for his sword, alert for insult, intended or accidental, through the swimming haze of alcohol that befuddled his mind. Classical writers marveled at him, his fellows set him above all others and accorded him the hero's portion at their feasts...

After various spasmodic troubles over the centuries, serious unrest came to the northern Roman frontier in 367, when a Celtic alliance of Picts, Scots and Attacotti (the identity of the latter is obscure) overran Hadrian's Wall. To deal with this 'Barbarian Conspiracy' one of the greatest military minds of the day, Theodosius, was sent to Britannia where he reorganized the defences (sic). Hadrian's Wall and some northern forts were restored to working order, signal stations were built along the Yorkshire coast and some towns had bastions added.
(Celtic Britain) Lloyd Laing

Sometimes others' words touch places that haven't been touched in years. I am going to re-read the book that brought me back to life after last summer. I don't believe in coincidences.

He said, "This is my biographical index!" "Your what?" "I started it when I was just beginning to write! I'd create a card for everyone I thought I might need to reference one day! There's a card for everyone I ever wrote about! And cards for people I talked to in the course of writing my pieces! and cards for people I read books about!..."

"...How many cards do you have?" "I've never counted!..."

"...What do you write on them?" "I write the name of the person and a one-word biography!" "Just one word?..."

"Henry Kissinger: war!
"Ornette Coleman: music!
"Che Guevara: war!
"Jeff Bezos: money!
"Phillip Guston: art!
"Mahatma Ghandi: war!"
"But he was a pacifist," I said.
"Right! War!"
...

"Do you have a card for yourself?"
He slid out a drawer.

A.R. BLACK: WAR
HUSBAND

TEXTS. SEXTS. WAT.

"So I asked him what he meant and he just looked at me and said 'TITS'"
"I took a leaf outta yer book and succeeded. Lil Fish Life '09"


In thinking about Vegas (which I hate) in November, I realized the one person I would elope with and randomly get married to will be the one providing me with a place to sleep and booze that whole weekend...so I should probably have an emergency phone tree, should the mood to get hitched by Elvis strikes me.

and still nothing moves you

A couple thoughts:

I saw something of a ghost tonight. A shell of a reminder of a past life. Two shooting stars (not satellites) and the North star.

Two days in a row I will be awake to watch the sun rise.

Give me one good reason to stay, as I can't find any. I can come up with seventy five (really) as to why I should just go. No one would notice, and few would care, and those who did care would know why I did what I did. It's not like I'd never be back, but what was tying me to this place and these people is no more.

This insomnia is getting to me. And yes, really, that's what it is. This physical inability to sleep until five in the morning and only for a few hours at a time if that is beginning to be very wearing. I think it really boils down to the question "When" for me. Not "if" but "when."

And by the way, a big old "FUCK YOU."
"If you think this song is about you, you have a guilty fucking conscious and you should get hit by a bus." Epic lolz.

you're still ugly

"THANKS CASH4BABIES" can't wait for this shit to be posted.


ally sits like a bear!


maisey farts.

i want a mini dachshund!



i wish i would have done something like this today - but i'm in a foul mood.

we always knew it was too good to last

I didn't realize it had been four years on what would have been the anniversary. Last year I was painfully aware of how things used to be, and this year, sans the anniversary of "the worst day" I was oblivious. I went about what I normally went about and had a great day and night, and now a few weeks later I look back and go: "huh." If it hadn't been for a passing comment made by a friend and coworker, I don't think I would have even remembered.

I wish I were in Seattle right now, not even to hang out with JH, but to see some friends play a show with The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

I need a drastic change. Drastic.

Fake Problems

At what point do you just bite your tongue and finally let go? At what point do you wash your hands of a situation and say "It's your funeral?" And when it all goes to shit, like you know it will, can you resist the urge to rub a nose in it and say "I told you so. A hundred times, I told you so."

It's just so frustrating to see friends walk down a path that you can't follow and pull them back. People don't want to hear: "I've been there, I've lived that, please listen to me."

It's frustrating to be asked those questions and not have the answer that is wanted to be heard versus what needs to be heard.

In less stupid and insipid veins... grave maker was super fun. Ill Intent is super good. The blastomat is hot, and I remember why summer shows rule...you leave covered in sweat that is not your own. And that's only a little sarcastic.

I made delicious lasagna for Ashley J and I tonight. Girl date.

Getting up early(ish). Bike ride, yoga, Africa blessing, church, bike ride home, nap, project.

a little nothing

It was only six words, but they burned none the less. A hand left casually on the small of the back was more distracting than what was ear drum rupturing from just inside that broken screen door. That single glance and that single raised eyebrow and everything that was so certain and so sure just moments before no longer exists. He can't hold still; he fidgets and gestures as he speaks, and every intonation is a little lyrical, as though he can't help but vocalize in pentameters and AB rhymes. His entire presence and body weight (which is significant, to be sure) shifts back and forth, from his heels to his toes, and back again, in some kind of two step (ha, ironic) and everyone in the vicinity is drawn in to that motion, as it's infectious and all encompassing.

A blaze of light overhead caught us all off guard. There are certain symbols and ideas that I can't escape. Shooting stars, burning cars, the number 24, multiples of three. This wretched life of outcasts and miscreants still has me tied to it, no matter what I do to escape. There is no other place that feels like home. Don't sit on the couches, don't touch the walls, hover over the toilet seat, keep both eyes open, get knocked ass over tea kettle, bass so loud you can feel it rattling your rib cage, an aggro machismo that is at once annoying and attractive.

Shooting stars. Satellites. The number 24. My own youth and wasted life. Promises of what was, what was to be, and what may never come. No more lost boys. Try and keep up.

svpv

WHAT THE FUCK. (reposted.)

Why on earth would you shit in a fitting room. Diarrhea shit none the less? Ya can't hold it? Oh goddddd.

I used to love my job. Driving business, creating an atmosphere in my department for the type of customer I'd like to attract, seeing my knowledge of the ins and out of the industry manifest itself in + weeks and months for eight months straight was totally worthwhile. Part time and dealing with people SHITTING in fitting rooms may not quite be worth it. Time to jump ship and get into something within the history or anthropology department.

In other news, Rachel and I are awkward and still better looking than every girl most places we go. Except some of my other wonderful lady friends (Ashley Bigfun, Manda, et al) fall in that "we're prettier than you" category.

Tempeh Scallopini was pretty tasty. PBR tallboy a little less so, but still satisfying. Lyle cracks me up.

I love dirt dirt dirt and gossip gossip gossip.

HATERZ TA THA LEFFFFF.

24

"Sorry man, Jordan's gonna do what Jordan's gonna do. You can't get hurt about it, she doesn't mean anything malicious by it." <3

24. Rewards, happiness, love, success, creativity. May manifest itself in arrogance. 22. most successful of life paths.

It's uncanny how tied to these two numbers I am.

Two weeks from today I'll be 24. That's a weird thought.

SVPV

Trap Them. Pocket Beers (or purse beers on this occasion). Dresses. I love looking out of place at crusty punk shows. And trust fund crusty punk girls can GTFO. And some douchey kid with douchey glasses tried to sell my ex's hat after this scuffle and I told him to take a shower. Ha. I'm a bitch.



Kyle is my favorite person ever.

Waterworld for my birthday. Fuck our inconvenient friends. RIOJA.

the night my toe broke


our $90 lunch


our fifteen dollar dinner


eat your heart out, you wretched bitch