WAR.

"...at the finish line at the end of the new york city marathon it would sound like war..."


WAR. New Crime in Stereo Song.

Also, thanks to the Futurama episode I was watching last night as I was dozing off, I had one of the strangest dreams ever.

And then I had a dream about washing my hair and for some reason it was a huge ordeal. (With my hair it is kind of a huge ordeal in real life, but still.)

Well

I partied hard enough last night to have broken my big toe. Thanks, DenCo. Summer in the queen city is a little ridiculous, and a lot wonderful.

I have the best friends.

Har Har

No more sadface posts for the weekend.

Going to pride. Going to get a little ridiculous. Going to brewfest. Going to get WAY ridiculous.

We're all just guessing

I don't know what I anticipated, but to be quite honest, this wasn't it. Looking through it for some secret sign of life, some hidden inside joke, like there was last time. I've done more now, more as a muse and an active participant. Am I hurt? I don't think so. Just a little smirk and another sip of wine.


"What are you looking for?" I asked, carefully avoiding his glance. "What do you look for in women?"
Without missing a beat, "Tragedy" he answered. From the angle of his torso and the twist of his shirt, I could tell he was looking at me.
Tragedy that you can hold in the palm of your hand.

the sixth borough.

In exactly thirty minutes the first anniversary of "the worst day" will have come and gone. Getting out of the shower I paused and looked at myself full in the mirror and to my surprise, no scars.

Surprise. Surprising.

It's a weight I don't carry anymore, I realized. We're okay. I'm okay.

THE DECLINE

Step by step.

You are everything you hate.
How does that make you feel at the end of the day?
At least I stand for what I stand for.



Ugh. I hate humanity on so many different levels.

In more positive news...


Of course this watch is burberry. I've been lusting after it for WEEKS after seeing a girl wearing it in the store, only to find that it's like a mortgage payment for a piece of jewelry. Sometimes I think I'm getting into the wrong career with my tastes.









FUCK I'M NEEDY.

it is a new week

Which means a new pattern of not sleeping. Watching bad drama tv shows online and trying to repress cravings for snacks which are both crunchy and cheesey. Not the ideal way to spend the latter part of my evening. I was super good about not eating anything fried, processed or unnaturally colored today. Caesar salad with HOME MADE caesar dressing and HOME MADE croutons which was probably the best salad I've ever eaten, carrots for a snacky snack, and my girlfriend (Tiny Friend) made me vegan perioges and steamed carrots for dinner, and we had a nice summery pinot grigio to go with it.

AND NOW ALL I WANT ARE THE CHEETOS IN THE PANTRY WHICH ARE CALLING MY NAME. OR THE DORITOS, OR THE CHOCOLATE THINGS FILLED WITH CARAMEL.

It takes five days to break a habit or to create a new one. I am on day two. Kind of. If you don't count the french dip I had at the emerald isle the other night. Fuck. Day one.

Tomorrow is brown rice and an attempt at home made sashimi from fish from H mart (I love living in Aurora) and grilled chicken and various delicious grilled veggies.

Wednesday is trout, not sure how I'm going to do it yet, Thursday is an attempt at a roast chicken (which has not gone so well in the past).

IN TRAINING. More like, I want to kill myself for committing to this. It better be worth it in the end.

the things we do for ourselves

No training ride today. Too hot.

I am lusting after a couple dresses and a couple shirts I found online. They are limited in size and color so I am not posting a link or saying where because if anyone snatches them out from under me, I'll be livid.

I got some new music via a new friend the other night. Devics is super good and fits a lot of what I've been listening to lately.

I want to get an old seafoam green cruiser bike and ride my bike around at night and listen to this, Mirah and Phoenix.

Speaking of Phoenix. I can't afford to go to the show Wednesday night, as I just dropped $300 on necessities today and don't have a whole lot to live on until my next pay check. FML.

Baby Ian's first birthday.





SO CUTE.

Seeing Carly Mindy and Emma was awesome.

Humph.

I could use more hours, but I am glad that my shift today is a short one. I'm just not sure I can pull it up and fake it for a full shift.

To be so introspective...

I don't know how I can love straight edge bands and beers simultaneously.

Floorpunch is great. Judge is great. Down to Nothing is great. Suicide File is great. Youth of Today is great. Championis great. I could go on and on and on.

Happy hour margaritas and girl talk with Kristen was fantastic. I can't go anywhere in this town without seeing someone I know, it's ridiculous.

Flaws and flaws and flaws being revealed text by text.

"We can't go down that road again."

No, I know. And I wouldn't anyway. I just need to know where I am and how I got here.

hm.

My life. Parachute-less. One big joke. A hoax played on the gullible and the trusting. A free fall into some big body of water and the punchline is that I can't swim, I only doggy paddle.

As Kyle would say: EMO.

Fuck yeah. 12-14 hours of sleep since Monday, I think that will make any sane person "emo."

Listen to the following bands:
FIREWORKS (esp the decline of midwestern... song)
BROADWAY CALLS and you'll thank me later.
I have been listening to a lot of Mirah and Laura Veirs also.

Yikes

The mormons just came to the door. I sat very still at the table and watched their shadows on the wall of the stairs. Oh, momo's. It makes me a little homesick.

So I was wigging out last night because I've been asked a bunch in the last year or so whether or not I'm of asian descent. Not like it's really that important, but I just don't see it at all. Started with the cab driver in vegas. Some other friends said they saw it and apparently many of my high school bro friends were under the impression that I was half and possibly adopted. WHAT. I don't even look asian.

I appreciate the texts, facebook comments and twitter DM's saying that you don't see it either. I'm less confused/concerned.

I love Laura.

JH sent me this picture at an art museum in Seattle that reminded him of me, as it's a poster of a trailer, mid century modern design style. And my new goal is to purchase a double wide trailer. (People think this is weird, I think it's genius). $12g for the joint and to move it. Laminate hardwood floors, jacuzzi tub, nice kitchen. I'd leave my tinsel christmas tree up all year and put pink flamingos in flower pots on my little stoop. And I'm not wanting this to be ironic at all, I think it would fit me perfectly. My grandfather and step grandmother (who were married at the VFW in Billings Montana) live in a trailer and my parents used to, and said it was legitimately a good investment to save money to buy a house without ever RENTING anything. Theoretically, buy a trailer, put like, four grand down and pay off the rest over the next two/three years, live in it for as many more until you save enough for a down payment for a house then either rent or sell the place you were in before!




Yeah, I'm weird.

Love this song too:
What's your name you old ball and chain?
You won't roll free tied up this way
It was a good idea when you needed a home
But your best days were spent on your own

Please don't be there the next time that they fall
If anything show up late to let them know
You never would've been there at all
When you're happy with yourself you'll never get much done
I'm not saying live for the downside
Just live your own life

(Some people) Come round
Just to feel up when you feel down
Come around
I hope you come around

Well spite isn't quite revenge and childhood friends
Are nothing but dead ends

We could be our own Messiahs
And walk on frozen lakes
Our stomachs could turn wine to water
When you lose your saving grace
Put your weight on that frozen lake
Up from the downside with you

this tribute

i could listen to this song every day and it would still make me cry.

It must be nice

To have mom and day pay for everything, and then you, with all your "first generation" student loans and grants get tattoos, booze and generally useless things. My rent is paid, but then I pay a car payment, insurance, cell phone, gas, most food, my one credit card (yes, only one) and starting in two months, I have to get student loans to actually pay for my tuition and education.

Besides that, the money my parents generously hooked me up with to get my car fixed, I'm paying back. Slowly, but I'm doing it.


I rarely give a fuck about this sort of thing but it's infuriating to see "adults" whose parents pay every last one of their bills, blowing cash on such useless things and giving me shit for saying no to hanging out because I don't have the money to go do what it is they want to do.


Also, if I can dredge up even $200 (yeah fucking right) I am going to go to CROOKLYNNN or to Seattle for my birthday. I'm probably going to spend it alone anyway, as members of the fab four will be at dudefest and doing floorset. AND my mom is on detail and my dad will probably be in Canada again. Boner.Kill.

when

When is it my turn?

I had another strange dream

Where someone called a third party friend of mine "way too awkward" and for whatever reason this absolutely incensed me and I got into a confrontation and fight about it.And the odd thing is that I while I would call this person a friend, I still don't know them very well.

My dreams lately have been very weird but very telling.

Today I am going to the Poudre. Poudre Canyon to be exact. Getting out of town for a bit will be good for me.

MARIACHI REVENGE.

So I don't understand how a band playing for maybe two minutes at ten on a Saturday night warrants a police visit but my neighbors jam LOUD ASS mariachi music until all hours of the night (they're just getting started) and nothing. It's reverse racism, that's what it is.



Mariachi Revenge 2.0 in July?

Too bad the email my dad sent me about it was: "NO POLICE THIS TIME."

Hahahaha. I was so well behaved in high school, at least now everyone at the parties are of age and don't have curfews.

Watching

She sat, nearly still but for a fidget and a scratch occasionally, watching them. Hurrying by, speaking in hushed voices, carrying what seemed to be all their worldly possessions on their backs.







I wish people would stop asking me questions I don't and won't ever have the answers to.

This was so short. And so close to the end. God, 12 months in 12 days. A lot of rejection in twelve months. June 24th 2009 must be a pivot.




I miss the coasts.


Also, I need a new phone, mine has stopped holding a charge and I don't want to get a new battery. Time to upgrade. Between the following.


or the G2 whenever the fuck it drops.

yumz

Fuck yes. Tastiest thing I've eaten in a hot minute.


It must be a miserable existence to have to manipulate and trick people. That'll come back and bite you in the ass if you're not careful.

Ohhh text messages.

There really must be something in the air or water that is causing this ridiculous upswing of honesty. I'll share, tiny friend, I'll share.

Working tomorrow, maybe doing the lipgloss thing. Off Saturday, but have a photoshoot for an independent film. Party hard.

welp

I am supposed to be awake in four and a half hours for work. Great.

One of my big pet peeves is people saying one thing and doing another. Fucking surprising? I don't think so.


Goodbye. Hope Seattle treats you well and you find what you're looking for.




My wee little heart hurts a lot this week.

I am insanely hung over.
I have massive bruises all over my shins.
My ears are ringing.
My throat hurts.

Last night was incredible. I picked up Tiny Friend from work at the Urb, and she changed quickly and we went to the Marquis. Esprit De Corps, Regret Nights (?), The Menzingers and Broadway Calls. The Menzingers RULED so hard. They covered Billy Bragg To Have and Have Not. Just good, good good good. Broadway Calls as usual were flawless. I lost my shit when they played Suffer the Kids and was the first stage diver of the night and that just kicked it all off. Also, was the only girl stage diving except for Erika who is on tour with them.

After the show I said my good byes and picked up a shirt and CD and drove to Rachel's to change to theoretically go to this party. Didn't happen. Don't want to get into the mechanics of it, but it's basically BULLSHIT.

So instead I got texts from friends saying to come to Sputnik to hang out with the dudes in town. So I went down there (IN MY DRESS) and drank PBR and ate chips with Emma. Dudes are awesome, and some of the most legit people ever.

Since I'm so broken I'm gonna go get a massage.

Staying around Aurora today. Toooooo pooped.

August is too far away! Come back already, BC!

No Rules No Trust

Saturday night I left to meet Rachel and Lyle at their house (they live in the same building) to watch a bit of weeds and potentially go pool hopping in Kyle's neighborhood once he got off work. We lurked the net, talked a bunch of shit, almost made Lyle vomit by talking about stepping on nails (Sorry Lylely Face).



Then we got ice cream at queen soopers and drove to Kyles to meet him when he got off work. We actually beat him there so we hung out in the hall, Rachel and I getting down on the tasty treats.



Then we went to JR's, the gay bar, where Kyle told me I had to pretend to be his girlfriend. He didn't really get bothered so my services were useless.



We went to Tom's diner afterwards and hung out and got food and were ridiculous, per usual.

Sunday morning John called me to remind me that we had plans (ughh) to grab breakfast and go to the mountains to help him de-anxietize about moving. We ate at this joint called Poppie's in the Wellshire neighborhood that was fantastic. Good coffee, fantastic french toast, and flawless bacon. JH got some enormous breakfast burrito, and was obnoxious (as usual). In a drunken stupor the night before he'd shaved off the bottom part of his facial hair but left his mustache and left his 5 o'clock shadow so he looked like a total boner.



Seeing it was going to rain we bailed on the plans to go to the mountains and he called some people who were bbqing. He let me drive his incredibly nice Honda Ridgeline all day! We picked up Cian (also a high school friend) and started heading towards Ali's house. It started hailing and the hail was easily quarter sized. Idiot John rolls down the window and starts to put his head out to catch one in his mouth (yeah) and one lands right on his dick, and he decided that game sucked and rolled the window back up. Then John goes: "I wonder if we're going to have any tornados with this weather?" and as Cian's looking out the window out east he sees funnel clouds...



These idiot boys wanted me to drive TOWARDS it as Ali and Co were supposedly over there. I said fuck no, and as I was in charge of the vehicle headed west. Nope nope nope. Not playing that game.

We did stop at the Cherry Creek Dam.



As the weather cleared up we made it to another park and barbecued and drank a bunch of beer. Then we just hung out and shot the shit about the good old days, and after a couple hours bailed and they bought me Cherry Cricket for being awesome and driving their silly drunk asses around all day.

Tonight was Cruel Hand, tomorrow is Broadway Calls.

Summer has no rules.

how it is and how it used to be

I am not sure why I am posting right now, as I know I am going to later after I get home. Tonight is going to be OUT OF HAND. I'm not going to give it away because I'm sure that posting openly about it may get the cops called and I've had enough interactions with THA MAN in the last couple weeks that I'm sure my luck is wearing out.

Besides that, a friend being stressed and not talking to me about the issue makes me feel bad, like I could be doing more to alleviate the situation. Friday is his last day in town. I need to figure out when we can hang out before he leaves for good! I have CD's to give him!

AAAH NOPE.

The dream team is ridiculous. The Harlem Globetrotters? The Sharks? The Jets? The Tiny Friends and Hip Dudes?







A progression.

After a client freaking out about me not calling them back in .02 seconds I can't get them on the phone for a confirmation for tomorrow. This is asinine.





RESTLESS. Gotta get out of town for a week or two.

Homesick

Thanks to a post on the FFH board, I'm homesick.



From four square in 2003 with kids from the good old days, to summers and winters spent in a shithole that was too hot and too cold. Ears ringing for days after the ITC last show, and puking because of the last 5280 sing-a-long. Pillow fights, dog piles, homeless dudes lurking after dark. Seeing Crime in Stereo, Broadway Calls, Fireworks, Outbreak, Hour of the Wolf, Blacklisted, Shipwreck, Have Heart, Verse, Down to Nothing, Dead Hearts, Justice, Iron Age, Far From Finished, Die Young, This is Hell, Daggermouth, Trash Talk, Life Long Tragedy, I Rise, Killing the Dream, Set it Straight... I could go on. Not including all the locals come and gone through the years.

Nostalgia.

want

my addiction is lurking back into my life. damn. need to get to nyc and pick up some expensive kicks. pls and thank you!

Mantras

Aspousal for life.
Summer vacation por vida.
Spring Break '87
You only live once, eat like it.