i am everything i'm not.

this semester's mantra

EYE ON THE PRIZE.
EYE ON THE PRIZE.
EYE ON THE PRIZE.

VP's Honor Roll. Next up, PRESIDENT'S honor roll. 3.8 you are mine.

We got married. We got married because that's what we were supposed to do. (Right?) (Right?) There it all was, laid out before us. The whole plan and all that was needed was to follow the directions. God, you fucked it all up, didn't you? It was a left at that light. (A left, you fucking idiot). I guess we can make up for lost time by speeding.

Well fuck, we totally missed the point.

Right?

the bad old days

I know what you want from me.
I can see you watching from way over there.
I know your kind. I know your type. Too bad for you I've got them on my side.




I think I'm in love. It's been a year. I hope this isn't 0 for 3.

for better or for worse

i've been too busy experiencing life to be reflecting on it.


everyone is a photographer these days.

we looked

He walked in and caught me in a moment of weakness, fingers locked, elbows resting on my knees, eyes in defeat. I was at a loss. He let me pretend everything was OK for a grand total of twenty seconds. He wasn't fooled, and that's why we remained as close as we are. "What?" His back was turned, opening a drawer and doing something. "I'm just so tired..." I said, looking at the ceiling. Even his back was too intimate to see. "So tired of what?" he missed nothing. "So tired of being the villain, when in reality, I'm the victim."

"Ha."

The cold, harsh laugh barked out of his throat in an uncharacteristic manner.

"I could have him killed."





I looked at my feet again. I didn't say no.

well, it was what it was

I am so homesick. Every day for the last three weeks I've gotten in my car and looked west. For some reason I'm fixated on this place, this space I used to hate. Like someone or something there is going to save my life.

better off alone together

The new Crime in Stereo song is really good. I like it a lot.


Life has caught me off guard in a multitude of ways.

I wish I had something more to say. I'm kind of caught up in experiencing though - versus reminiscing.




That chronic problem of breathing in what was instead of what is.

boo

I haven't had internet in two weeks. What have I missed?

i used to be great

i used to be good.
no, fuck it, i used to be great.




i go through phases with this thing. it's funny how life gets in the way. needed to slow down anyway.

good riddance to toxic friends and worthless words.

hello to new opportunities and new people.

i can't help but laugh. for all the good it does, anyway.

i forgot what it felt like

To feel a spark. To feel giddy about something.

What a spurt of fearlessness can lead to...



this was really one of the most surreal, pivotal days of my life.

on to the next

Going back to my old ways. I say old ways like it's been years, but really, just since June.

Semester number three back at school down. Am I a second semester junior yet or what? And now that I've changed my focus/minor it should be sooner that I'll be done with school than originally anticipated. Yay.

Tiniest friends and I are working on a big project.

Hm.

I find it very interesting that people in your life fluctuate in importance so frequently. Its like they're only important when they can offer you something and when that something (validation, ego, etc) is gone, it's onto the next. I think I knew that about you from the get, which is why I've never bothered much. Sorry.



School is nearly done for the semester. Stressed? Yup.

damn it

i need to get out and shoot some film.

Ugh.

Listening to songs I've never heard before, but I'm sure I know the lyrics. They're all stupid things I've said and felt in recent weeks.

God damn this indecision and tendency to over think.

Overreaction is all I'm good at anymore.

i just don't care anymore

I want to live by the water. I'd love to live somewhere that from a window of some cozy little bungalow I could see a lighthouse. I'd love to tuck my feet under a someone, or maybe I'd settle for a dog in order to read a book on a gray day. I'd love to press my face against cool glass and look out at the break and listen to sad music. I'd love to just go walk along the coastline as a means to talk to myself. My life is so full and lovely right now as it is, I can't imagine it being much better, but I know a few things would just push it over the edge.

I don't have the words to explain the connection I feel to places I've never been. The closest I can come is that I'm homesick for places I've never seen.

We're all just trying to make it, I guess.

i would have loved you forever

Oh my friend loneliness, where have you been?
You left to the lure of the lover who left me alone
But now you come crawling back, and I'll let you in
And we'll slip back into grooves that we cut in ourselves long ago

But there must be a better half, somewhere out there
She lives a better life, a life that shares
Shares with a better man
The man who is there when she calls in the night
Who says "Hey, it's alright"

And oh my dear distance, I've met you before
Longing for a lover who's lost on a far distant shore
And oh my imperfections, are all that remain
And the days when I'd love you and I'd leave you, and you'd wish that I would stay

There must be a better half, somewhere out there
She lives a better life, a life that shares
Shares with a better man
The man who is there when she calls in the night
Who says "Hey, it's alright"

I know what she looks like, her face and skin, her smell and the rest
I know the feel of her soul, but God help me I just cannot find her address
I've how I've tried but now all that's left
Is my old friend distance and sweet loneliness

There must be a better half, somewhere out there
She lives a better life, a life that shares
Shares with a better man
The man who is there when she calls in the night
Who says "Hey, it's alright"
"Hey, it's alright"
"Hey, it's alright"

This week

I am not cut out to be a model (haha, the fact that I'm 5'1" cue you to that?)
I am running myself ragged. The next few weeks I really need to focus on school and nothing but. I am behind in many classes. Damn it.
Frank Turner has some legit tunes. And he's rather attractive, haha.
I am going to a fashion show tonight, and hopefully I'll be the best dressed bitch there. Either going in a silk shift dress or in a skirt.

Anyway.

one two three four who's punk, what's the score?

you want to win me over? don't bother with flowers and chocolate. well, the chocolate is fine, but designer perfume and hand crafted, super soft leather handbags are really the way to my materialistic little heart.

but really, don't buy me flowers, buy me dior, jacobs or kors, please.

i should i should i should

i should care
i should be mad
i should be unforgiving
i should be a lot of things.




braver, quicker, smarter.

frank turner and chuck ragan on wednesday in a different area code.

moving on from past crimes and hoping i don't make the same mistake twice. or for the forth time.